10 Best and Worst “CLOSED” Signs of Hurricane Irene

It’s Saturday, August 27th, hours before Hurricane Irene is suppose to descend upon Manhattan, pummeling us with its fists of fury (or not).

Most local businesses –movie theaters, banks, and even Starbucks– are CLOSED for bizness.

Take a look at the 10 Best and Worst “CLOSED” store signs of Hurricane Irene:


1.  Crunch Gym’s mixed messages.

What kind of crap-ass party is this?  Let us in, let us in!  Also, nice dick move with the lawyer language there: “We apologize for ANY inconvenience.”  Because god forbid you ever acknowledge anything that actually happens to your customers, just in case. Poop on your treadmills, poop!

2. Valley Bank National’s non-existent “Hurricane Hours.”

Last time I checked, “CLOSED” is not a type of branch hour, you strange little bank that no one uses!  And for heck’s sake why must you be such a bank and Fine Print everything, even a natural disaster notice?  What does it say in those tiny letters in the lower left hand corner, huh huh huh?  If you got anything to say to me, say it to my face, assdouche.

3.  USPS Post Office can make a natural disaster sound dull.

I like how this most innocuous of notices looks like it has been crumpled before it was taped to the door.  Like there had been a violent disagreement about it.  Maybe it didn’t get the required stamp of approval, heh heh heh…

4.  Duane Reade’s haphazard punctuation.

F*ck you Duane, I buy so much overpriced crap from you every day because I’m lazy, and this is how you address me, on this most turbulent winded of days –with a semicolon??!

5.  Regal Cinemas phones it in.

Was this message transmitted by telegraph?  Why doesn’t it mention any dates or even the name “Irene?”  Is this… holy snikes, is this a GENERIC HURRICANE message that your multi-gazillion dollar company uses to save money?!!?  Jesus Hail Mary what else have you cost-cutting cheap-asses been doing to save a buck??

Lesson learned:

You are a big company.  You had at least 24 hours to make a sign with a very simple message.  You could’ve put up a polished, informative and perhaps even humorous storewide sign.  And yet you wasted an opportunity to build goodwill with your clients by putting up something my kid brother could’ve done in his sleep.

You have a lot to learn from these folks:


1.  Citibank wins the most informative CLOSED sign award.

Damn Citibank, we should hang out some time.  Your super considerate sign gives me alternate places to go, user fees info, numbers to call, and websites to visit.  You also tell me when you’re going to re-open, and site-specific information about nearby ATMs.  What more could a girl ask for?

2.  Starbucks is all, like, whatever.

This is so f*cking genius I’m putting aside my hatred of burnt acrid coffee to praise Starbucks for one, having a storewide sign, and two, taking the time to craft a cheeky, amusing message that’s appropriate for the brand.  Also, brilliant decision to use “weatherman,” not “weather.”  Blaming stuff on the weather sounds hostile, cynical, and lame.  But everyone loves to gang up on the over-gelled, cheesy talking heads on the weather channel!  Venti kudos!

3. Union Square Wines’s social media awareness

By braving the elements and staying open on Saturday, Union Square Wines has singularly contributed to the mental health of an entire city.  Moreover, it cleverly hints that it might also be open on Sunday, the day when the storm is suppose to hit worst.  How will you know if it’s open?  Why, by following @USQWines on Twitter, of course!  Let’s talk about the clouds from the Cloud!  Dang it, that’s some 21st century savvy right there.

4.  Prime & Beyond knows that sandbags speak louder than words.

Alright, so really your subterranean place should be called Prime & Below, but I still like you anyway because of your funbags.  Err, I mean sandbags, sandbags.  I like how you just kind of thrust them out in front of you and you don’t care who stares.  So what they’re made of silicone!  Let other stores rely on words and wit… you, you can sail on your looks alone.

5.  Webster Hall ain’t afraid of no hurricane.

There are no bands playing at Webster Hall tonight.  But instead of closing the venue, bro dude throws a Fallout Shelter party for the “Storm of the Century” and charges $10 cover.  Wow.  It’s wicked and wonderful at the same time.  Hurricane Irene WIN.

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