2011 Oscars Red Carpet Extravaganza



I know what Scarlett Johansson was going for.  A really made-up dress to show off her famous curves, and a pleasant contradiction with windswept, beachy, hair.  But the light and dark shades of the maroon dress really distract from the shape as a whole, and looks messy, unkempt, and worst of all, frumpy.  A dress like that is hard on the arms –pale February arms especially– so you should be a little bit more aware about where and how you are placing your arms on camera.  Bad dress.  Also, dude, you need to learn how to walk in heels a little better!  You make the red carpet look like it’s made out of ABC gum! (That’s “Already Been Chewed,” for those of you who haven’t been in public school for a while…)

Anne Hathaway

She is wearing a Valentino that the company insists on calling “archival.”  And voilà, a new term is born for describing the things at the back of my fridge.  Here, the proportions of the strapless dress do not fit will with Anne’s proportions.  As a result, the dress starts too low on her chest, and has a sad droopy, deflated look.  The texture of the dress looks like a coarse cheap satin material, like a bridesmaid dress for your worst frenemy.  And okay, matching “statement” red lipstick might work in theory but Anne has a small face with big lips (and a beautiful smile), and the super red lipstick with the super red dress over accentuate her best feature to her detriment.  Also, the back of her dress looks like a second woman dressed in a red dress crouched down to tie her shoe laces, and the two of them got glued together.


Natalie Portman

I’m not wild about this eggplant color.  It’s kind of old, but not in a sophisticated way.  It’s a color that Ms. Krabapple might wear on a blind date.  The cut of the dress with its empire waist and pleating makes sense, I guess, because she’s pregnant.  But I don’t like Natalie’s stylist’s pregnancy dress picks.  Even though she told New York Magazine that she helps Natalie’s wardrobe avoid “pregnancy cliches,” both this dress and the Golden Globes dress were totally predictable, uninventive, and blah.  I think a great stylist would dress her the way Heidi Klum dressed when she was pregnant, which is to wear shapes and cuts that are not only flattering, but surprisingly flattering.  Angelina Jolie also wore some great gowns during her pregnancies.  Did anyone else think that Natalie was on the verge of (sad) tears when she was being interviewed on the red carpet?  Where is her ballet dude?

Women Who Get It

Look at these slightly older women in their later thirties and early forties.  See how they look pulled together?  I don’t love their dresses, but the dresses work with their body types.  I find Sandra Bullock’s and Gwneyth Paltrow’s dresses too geometric and 1990s in a bad unintentional way.
Meanwhile, Penelope Cruz’s dress looks like a dramatization of a quickly spreading wine stain.  But regardless of what they’re wearing, all three women look happy and comfortable, and that’s what counts the most.  Everyone picked colors that work well for them, and hairstyles that are tried and true for them.  Unlike some less mature starlets, they don’t play the “let’s see how gaunt I can get” game.
None of these ladies have wildly fluctuating weights (Mandy Moore, Hilary Duff, I’m looking at you); they have been these body shapes for well over a decade.  Thumbs up to the positive correlation between increasing age and beauty!

(Photos from JustJared.com)

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